I am so sad that the two of us have found ourselves on this page.
At the time of this writing, I have lost four babies to miscarriage. During this journey, my faith has swelled to overwhelming, but it has also dwindled to nearly nothing more times I can count.
But for some reason, even in my darkest times, I have found myself at my computer – writing to you.
Although I haven’t met you yet, we’re already walking through this together.
Darkness is my friend
No one can really say the “right” thing in times like this. But, I did have a friend point me to a good scripture that held me together at one of my darkest points. You can read it over to the right.
Don’t you feel the anguish in this Psalm? It is so heartening to know that even the deepest torment and disappointment with God is included in the Bible to encourage us. We are not alone!
I especially like the questions asked toward the end – “Do you show your wonders to the dead? Do their spirits rise up and praise you? Is your love declared in the grave, your faithfulness in Destruction? Are your wonders known in the place of darkness, your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?”
Sometimes it seems as though the only way to God’s goodness is through darkness. Why? WHY?
I believe today is the perfect day to ask Him this. Let’s just sit with the unanswered question and allow darkness to be our friend, for a time.
Psalm 88
Lord, you are the God who saves me;
day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
I am overwhelmed with troubles
and my life draws near to death.
I am counted among those
who go down to the pit;
I am like one without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me
with all your waves.
You have taken from me
my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, Lord, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are your wonders known
in the place of darkness,
your righteous deeds
in the land of oblivion?
But I cry to you for help, Lord;
in the morning
my prayer comes before you.
Why, Lord, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
From my youth I have suffered
and been close to death;
I have borne your terrors
and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken from me
friend and neighbor –
darkness is my closest friend.