I don’t know how many times I’ve heard women say “Well, I wasn’t that far along, so it’s not a big deal.” These women (or their husbands) tend to get down on themselves for feeling sad. Or, they get frustrated with others (perhaps their spouse) who have different reactions.
In order to really discuss this topic, I guess the first thing we need to define is “big deal,” right?
Well…the more I think about it, the more I think that LIFE is a big deal. God sure seems to think pretty highly of it. In fact, His greatest gift to humankind is eternal life! And His first gift…was life.
Sometimes I question myself on this, but technically, I’m not God. And, while I might think I am God in certain aspects of controlling my circumstances, I know I’m not God when it comes to creation and life. I can’t create life. I can’t bring two separate parts together and magically turn them in to a human being.
And, since I’m not God and I don’t create something from nothing, I can’t say exactly when life begins. But, science tells us that as soon the egg and sperm meet, they combine forces – 23 chromosomes from mom and 23 chromosomes from dad – and create a new cell called a blastocyst. My source (thought this source is probably not super scientific, but we’ll go with it) says that you’re not officially “pregnant” until the blastocyst has traveled for approximately 3 days down the fallopian tube and attaches itself to the uterine wall.
But, as far as I’m concerned, something new is created at the moment of conception. That is a big deal.
So, if we have something new in our body from the moment of conception, then when is that arbitrary line of “very far along” 4 weeks? 6 weeks? 12 weeks?
Let me ask this another way – how long does new life need to be alive in order to be “worth” grieving if it’s lost?
When is Grieving “Okay”?
Imagine this…
A new graduate of the Biological Science program at Berkeley just got news that he is going to Mars to look for signs of life. He is ecstatic to seek out new life and new civilizations – to boldly go where no one has gone before!
He arrives to the red planet a couple months later and is just itching to get outside the ship and have a look around. He even skips breakfast so he can get an early start on putting on his space suit.
As he takes his first steps onto the surface, he hardly cares as he trips over his special “gravity” boots. He nearly runs as he goes to the area already identified as the most likely spot to locate life.
Once there, he takes his first sample of the murky water and puts a drop on his mobile microscope. Then, he sees it – two very different cells collide, combine, and then take on a completely new shape.
Wow! He had seen these cells before from previous expeditions, but no one had ever seen the two collide before!
This new thing was different, a new cell – and, it was glowing!
He begins to take notes and tells his colleagues to come take a peek.
Then, the new cell slowly begins to fade. It shrivels and grows dark. Soon, it breaks apart into pieces too small to see anymore, even at the strongest strength of the microscope.
How might that scientist feel? New life had just died before his eyes. He isn’t going to tell himself not to be disappointed because it didn’t last long.
He’s going to feel terrible! He’ll probably even ask himself if there’s something he could have done to prevent it. He’ll wonder what that cell might have become. He’ll talk with all his colleagues about what had happened and will remember that little glowing cell for a long time to come.
So, how far along must someone be to grieve a pregnancy loss? It doesn’t matter. If there was life, there was life. And that loss is something to be grieved.
I’m not saying you need to rip your clothes, tear out your hair, wear sackcloth, and sprinkle ash on your heads. I’m not saying you should refuse to eat or weep bitterly for days. (Although, I wouldn’t judge you if you do.)
But, I do suggest that you think about the life that existed – even if just for a short time – and thank God for the chance to experience something new, however short it was. Give yourself an opportunity to feel. If no feelings come, that’s alright –
At least you have permission; because life matters.